Three weeks into my Hallmark challenge, things were going well. My goal was to turn my life into a Hallmark Christmas movie by copying their tried-and-true formula, and so far I’ve succeeded.
Here’s the formula: an ice carving contest; two snowball fights; a mild misunderstanding following a half-overheard conversation; a trip to a Christmas tree farm; an interrupted kiss; a love-filled trip on the Christmas train; a town filled with year-round Christmas spirit; a Christmas cookie bake-off; a magical snow globe; and a mysterious stranger who could actually be Santa Claus.
My Hallmark Life: Christmas cookies in February. Why not? Share on XLast week, we had battled it out in a Hallmark snowball fight, the week before I had tried my hand at ice carving. This week, I decided to have a mysterious stranger judge the Christmas cookie bake-off.
Who Is This Mysterious Stranger?
He was average height, but most importantly, rotund and bearded, a bushy-white beard that extended down his chest and extended up the top of his belly like a snowfield. On a Saturday afternoon, I walked inside, ready to introduce this mysterious stranger.
“Hon’, I’d like you to meet a friend of mine. Kris, this is my wife Lana.”
“I told you, it’s Jerry.” My new-found friend wore a frumpled army jacket and
I lowered my voice to a whisper. “If you want that twenty, you’ll be Kris.”
“Is it Kris or Jerry?” asked Lana.
“Who can say?” I asked, attempting to transition away from this obsession with names. “He’s a man of mystery.”
“Not really,” he said, “just retired.”
“Except he plays Santa Claus,” I winked, “during the month of December.”
“Salvation Army, a few Knights of Columbus parties.”
“That’s nice,” said Lana.
“But he saves his best for one special night.”
My daughter wandered into the foyer, carrying one of her countless toys. “Is that Santa Claus?”
“Maybe it is,” I said, “but then again, maybe it isn’t.”
“Can I get back to my walk now?” he asked.
“Not so fast, my peripatetic traveler,” I said.
“Nice to meet you,” said Lana, on her way upstairs. “I have homework to do, so-”
“You mean,” and I held it for a moment to be sure I had her attention, “right after the bake-off?”
“What?”
“The Christmas cookie bake-off.” I waited for a response. “You know, the one I told you about last week.”
“A bake-off? Is this one of your Hallmark moments?”
She was on to me. No matter. I had to play it straight. I stood there, fists planted in my sides, a look of profound astonishment sketched on my face. No entry in the bake-off? Could this spell the end for us?
A Quick Resolution
A classic Hallmark misunderstanding. It could ruin our relationship. What could I do? There was only one solution: the classic Hallmark quick resolution.
“Don’t worry,” I said, laughing. I nodded in the stranger’s direction. “Kris-“
“Jerry.”
“Whatever. Is going to judge the finalists anyway.”
I had already laid out a selection of the finest half-dozen store-bought chocolate chip cookies on the counter. Kris would have to choose between Chips Ahoys, Famous Amos, and several other varieties. “Come on into the kitchen.”
“When do I get my twenty dollars?”
“As soon as you dole out a hearty dollop of the Christmas spirit.”
“Let’s get this over with.”
My wife trekked back upstairs. “Homework,” she said.
Christmas Cookie Bake-off: The Winner
Kris sure liked his cookies. I stopped eating when I hit double digits, but he was still going strong. It was no wonder he couldn’t work off his belly weight even with his long walks.
After his gorge-a-thon, I was hoping he would forget the twenty dollars. To no avail. My ruminations on the spirit of Hallmark went for naught.
As I cleaned up the remains, my wife walked back downstairs.
“Which cookie won the contest?”
“It was a tie between Pepperidge Farm’s Chesapeake and Sausalito.”
“Can I have one?”
“Kris ate them all.”
“I thought his name was Jerry.”
“It might be,” I said, “but then again, it might not.”
Keeping Hallmark Alive
My Hallmark life just keeps getting better and better. Ice carving, snowball fights, a Christmas cookie bake-off: the magic continues. How’s your magical Hallmark life? Have you taken my suggestions yet?
Next week: a ride on a magical Christmas train.
Leave a Reply