Tiny Rental Cars

It’s common these days for people to purchase economy cars. It’s natural to want to save a few dollars on gas. I understand that. I own a Volkswagen Golf, so I’m sympathetic. That’s the reason when I rent a car, I go the opposite route. I want luxury. I want size and speed, a gas guzzler, all the things my car isn’t. That’s why I’m so perplexed by tiny rental cars.

These cars are all around Austin: the white mini-coupes with the blue trim, the fortwos (one word), the smart car. They may be smart, but they also have the highest concentration of estrogen of any car on the planet. If they were any more feminine, they would have a pair of 36-double-Ds instead of headlights. My Golf is far from the largest car on the road, but these bite-sized autos make it look like it runs on testosterone.

I’m not sure what goes through the mind of any guy renting one of these cars. What do you do? Call and ask for the least masculine car you can find? I imagine the call goes something like this:

“Hello.”

“Hello, sir. How can I help you?”

“I’d like to rent a car.”

“Any particular size you’re looking for?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact. Do you have anything in eunuch?”

“Of course,” he says without a moment’s hesitation. “I have just the thing.”

“Does it come with a dynamic blue racing stripe? I’ll be the talk of the town when I’m charging my electric battery.”

“Sure does.”

“Roger that.” I imagine someone with large, horn-rimmed glasses and a NASA fetish. “I’ll pick it up tomorrow after my pedicure and eyebrow threading.”

So disappointing. What’s wrong with these people? Get those low emission, electric drives out of here. The only positive aspect is that I feel pretty darn macho when I see one of these cars approaching. The other day one was cruising through my neighborhood. As it passed, I yelled out the window in the spirit of good, old-fashioned ridicule: “Get a gas guzzler!”

The poor guy looked embarrassed. He shrugged his shoulders and averted his eyes. Who can blame him? Conspicuous consumption is the American way. What’s this nation coming to?