Vacation Expectations

It had been a long day driving and we had hours to go before stopping. Lunch was a distant memory and I needed a snack to tide me over till dinner. I reached into the goody bag my wife had brought on our trip, and pulled out a Nutrisystem popcorn. Not for me. I reached back into the bag. Nutrisystem tortilla chips. Once more, deeper this time. I rummaged around for anything that felt like a snack: cookies, a candy bar, some peanuts. I came up dry. It was all Nutrisystem.

“How many of these Nutrisystem snacks are left?” I asked my wife. We were on our way home from vacation. The bag should have been nearly empty.

“I meant to eat more,” my wife said, “but with all the restaurants we went to I never got around to it.”

I patted my waist. My expanding paunch hung over my belt, pushing it towards the next notch. “I know,” I said and gave up on my quest.

I felt good for a moment, but the snacks were only a symptom of a more serious illness: vacation expectations. Every vacation starts with high hopes. This vacation will be different, I tell myself. I won’t stuff myself with Dairy Queen Blizzards every night. I won’t drink beer until the sun comes up. I won’t incessantly check the score of the Mets game. I’ll moderate myself.

The first requirement is to place the diet in an iron lung. I’ll steer clear of those high calorie appetizers and desserts. After all, it’s a vacation, the perfect time to rein in any prodigal impulses and implement a Spartan regimen.

The next check is on that old bugaboo: excessive drinking. A week off from work is the perfect time to reimplement the 18^th Amendment. I’ll limit myself to one beer, two at most. I wouldn’t want to enflame the Temperance League.

For some strange reason, I convince myself I’m going to get up early while I’m on vacation. This is one of my most nonsensical vacation expectations. Normally, I sleep through the alarm every day of the week, but somehow on vacation it’s time to get up and greet the sun. Oh yeah, get an early start on the day. It makes complete sense. After all, I’m on vacation, it’s the perfect time to change those tardy habits.

It’s always good to have goals on vacation. Pick the time when you’re most relaxed and least likely to succeed, then demand that you tick every checkbox on a vacation bucket list. Here are mine:

1. Learn how to play the piano.
2. Start the day with five hundred push-ups.
3. Meditate until you achieve enlightenment and become one with the universe.
4. Teach myself Mandarin Chinese.
5. Memorize the Encyclopedia Britannica.

It’s within my grasp. I know it. I reached back into the bag and pulled out a box of Oreos. “What the hell?” I asked out loud before downing a dozen. Dreams die hard, but they’re always better washed down with a cold glass of milk. Let the belly swell. Want an Oreo?