Folloween

The week after Halloween is a tough time for me. I’ve built my endurance up to the point where I’m averaging double-digit fun-sized candy bars per day. The level of sucrose in my bloodstream runs neck and neck with platelets and plasma. All of a sudden – bam! I’m supposed to adopt a mature approach and stop shoveling Snickers bars down my throat? Reese’s Peanut Butter Pumpkins? Butterfingers?

You can’t be serious. At the height of this prehibernation feeding frenzy, I’m not even sure I’m chewing. There are times I can taste wrapper. I tilt my head back and toss candy in the air like a pelican gorging on menhaden. I need my angry fix. Give that up? Forget it.

Alas, the pile of candy evaporates. The world seems to lose its interest in chewy nougat and peanuts, and I return to my normal diet of fruits and vegetables, well-masticated, full of vitamins and minerals, completely lacking corn syrup, sugar, palm oil, and soy lecithin (as an emulsifier, whatever that is).

Does it have to be that way? Isn’t there some way to preserve everyone’s favorite sugarfest? A day devoted to one of America’s main contributions to world cuisine: junk food? All I’m asking for is one more week, something to help me ease back into society. I’ve given it a lot of thought and I think I’ve found a way.

I call it Folloween, the follow-up to Halloween. It doesn’t have to be any different than its predecessor. We walk the toddlers around under the same pretense we always do: getting candy for them. (Wink. Wink.) We could even eliminate the kiddies from this one. I mean, who are we kidding, really? The best part is that stores mark all their bag candy down the day after Halloween. Think about what a candy-mine this could be!

Let me be the first one to throw out a date before everyone starts claiming credit. I’m going to suggest the first Saturday in November. It has to be a Saturday in order to maximize consumption. Who’s going to join me? Raise your Twix bars. Let’s get a count.