I feel powerful, and it’s not from extra push-ups or a daily protein shake. It’s Christmas. It’s the time of year when every parent finally gets the upper hand on his child. We get that annual surge in parent power that makes us feel like one of the Avengers. We wield the most powerful weapon known to kiddie-dom: the Santa hammer.
They want to pout? They want to cry? They want to shout or whine? Better watch out! Santa Claus is coming to town. All it takes is a shake of the head and a concerned look into my wife’s eyes. “I sure hope Santa doesn’t see this,” I say.
My wife picks right up on it. “That sure would be a shame,” she says. “I wouldn’t want him to put you on the naughty list.”
“That would be awful,” I say. “I wouldn’t want coal in my stocking.” Then, in unison, we both grimace and sigh.
That ends it. Whatever condition my daughter is in, whether it’s standing, sitting, or rolling on the floor crying, this technique works like a charm. Loss of privileges has nothing compared to the Santa Hammer. You want to change a child’s behavior, at least for the month of December? Trust me. You’ve got to hold the threat of Santa Claus over their little heads like a guillotine.
Forget the sweet, kindly, jolly old man. I’m talking about the harbinger of punishment and coal in their stockings, a vindictive little elf, who will squash their hopes in the palm of his hand. The twinkling eyes, the dimples, the rosy cheeks? All gone. This is the herald of heartache. Forget visions of sugar-plums dancing in their heads. I want them shaking under the covers whimpering in fear.
My daughter’s smart though. She’s only four, but she wants to know how Santa Claus can see her. I have the perfect response: a magic crystal snowball. I wish it were my idea, but I can’t take credit. The old animated cartoon “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” where Fred Astaire plays the North Pole’s postman S.D. (Special Delivery) Kluger, came up with that little tidbit.
A magic crystal snowball may sound like a sweet notion, but don’t let it fool you. This totalitarian version of Santa Claus would make Joe Stalin proud. My advice is to expand on the naughty list, and casually drop in the concept of Santa’s dungeon. If that doesn’t work, explain Santa’s gulag to them. It’s not far from Christmastown, just a short walk, all in handcuffs.
I admit that I don’t know how Santa Claus keeps his eye on the kids. It could be a magic crystal snowball, but he may have some other method. I do know that the threat of Santa Claus is a great way to keep kids in line. Just don’t use it too often: he may be watching!
If you have a better technique, let me know.
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