Hallmark Christmas Movie Withdrawal

I’m starting to shake. It hasn’t been long, but I feel jittery and nervous. My stomach’s a wreck. When my wife asks me a question, I snap at her. When my daughter wants to play, I brush her off. I pace the house in the middle of the night, wanting to tear outside and scream at the stars. Why? I’m suffering from Hallmark Christmas movie withdrawal.

For a month, I stared at a television tuned to the Hallmark channel day and night. One Christmas movie after another paraded before my eyes. I’d sit in my chair drinking a rum-spiked egg nog, the lights of our Christmas tree twinkling over my shoulder, the festive air of Christmas enveloping me, and always the happy sounds of a Hallmark movie playing.

But wait, you say, there are no obstacles in Hallmark movies. I should hope not, and if the actors don’t overcome the obstacles within two minutes or less, I’m disappointed.

But the acting is wooden, you continue. Wooden? You mean wooden like a Christmas tree? Hallmark hires some of the finest thespians ever to grace the remote reaches of cable television.

But the plots, you object, they’re paper thin. Paper thin? Like the delightful crinkling of Christmas wrapping paper? These are the same tried and true plots that work year after year after year. If I didn’t know the outcome, it would spoil the whole experience.

But they’re not realistic, you say, they all have cheesy, happy endings. Cheesy? Like the – okay, I don’t have a Christmas cheese sensation. But I do love cheese, particularly blue cheese, so those cheesy happy endings make me as happy as a pile of melted blue cheese on a burger. Besides, if they didn’t have happy endings I wouldn’t watch them.

In the wonderful world of Hallmark, everyone gets a present, everyone’s wishes are granted, all lovers unite, and all endings are happy. Why did it have to end? I need one of those Hallmark Santas to save me. You know, the guy ringing the Salvation Army bell that looks a lot like Santa and can grant magic wishes, but you’re not sure if it’s Santa because he should be at the North Pole but he’s spending an awful lot of time with some high intensity career woman who longs secretly for a family. That guy. That’s what I need.

Hallmark Christmas movies cause severe withdrawal symptoms. Is it the saccharine plots? The cheesy endings? The dash of Christmas magic? All of the above? I don’t know, but I’ve got it bad. I have the dry Hallmark heaves. I’m about to expel a stomach full of romantic clichés. Why, Hallmark, why?