Noise. You can’t escape it. Used to be you could pull up to the gas pump, pop open the gas cap, and pump the tank full while enjoying the peaceful sounds of passing traffic and getting high on fumes. Now, I can’t even stand next to the pump. I have to walk away just so I can escape the onslaught of gas pump TV.
They’ve ruined it for me, ruined one of my favorite mindless activities. I just want to pump gas. That’s it. It’s one of the few places where I get to stand and do nothing. If not for the constant blather, think about all the things you’d be able to do: scratch yourself, lean against the side of your car, twiddle your thumbs, stare up at fluorescent lights until your irises shrink to the size of pinpricks, tie your shoes. The list is endless.
Now, I have to run and hide. I can’t get far enough away from the pump. The gas pump TV is like an old girlfriend I’m trying to avoid. The last thing I want is to watch the same weather report over and over. And over. And over. And once more for good measure. I’m living the weather. I don’t need someone to tell me it’s fifty degrees out!
Where else can we expect to find televisions? I have a few suggestions:
- Church pews: I’d like a choice between Father Marble-mouth’s Sunday homily and the NFL pre-game show.
- Tree trunks: forget those quiet walks in the park. With all the talk about biotechnology, why isn’t someone working on replacing bark with 48” plasma screens?
- Car windshields: with all the time we spend staring out them, why not do something useful with them? Who’s worried about traffic anyway? Certainly not the people I see on my commute.
- Skin: isn’t it about time we did something useful with this stuff. Think about how much better it would be to watch “Batman” reruns instead of some old geezer’s saggy jowls. I’ll be first in line for a replacement.
This sounds like a nightmare to me. I long for the days when I could just pick my nose at the pump in peace. What about you?
Thanks to Jerry Zezima (All Pumped Up) for his thoughts on gas pump TV.
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