Sometimes, the best tactic for dealing with enthusiasm is to dampen it. You don’t want to squash it completely, because it’s hard for people to live without hope, but pouring a pailful of frigid doubt over someone’s head can inspire the desired level of apathy.
I had to do this recently, when my family was discussing birthday gifts for my mother. They all wanted to buy tee shirts and coffee mugs with Mom’s picture on them for her eightieth birthday – happy birthday, Mom, by the way – but I wasn’t interested. Does that make me a terrible person? Let me explain my reasons first.
My wife and I have a closet filled with about a thousand coffee mugs. Do we really need another? We barely have enough shelf space for the ones we have. In fact, we’ve contemplated an addition to the house just for coffee mugs. Some people build add-ons for additional children; ours will be devoted to glassware.
What if we do go along though, and I don’t drink from the mug for a while because it’s buried at the back of the cupboard? I’ll feel terrible. What’s that you say? Would I like a splash of half-and-half and a large tablespoon of guilt with my coffee this morning? By all means.
And what if I drop the mug and it breaks? Even worse. When Mom visits, I won’t have her special picture mug to drink from. What excuse can I offer? I can hear her now: “An accident? Really? Sounds to me like someone’s carrying around a lot of repressed anger with their caffeine. I notice your grip wasn’t so slippery when it came to the Mets’ pennant mug.”
Worse yet, what if I don’t say anything and she goes on a quest to find it when she drinks her nightly cup of tea? “Hmmm, now where is that mug?” She’ll riffle through the closet, and the best she’ll come up with is a picture of the Boeing 787 or the Manchester United logo. “I see where someone’s real affections lie.” It could get ugly.
As for the tee shirt with Mom’s picture on it, why don’t I just get a tattoo that says “Mama’s Boy”? I’ll sure feel like a macho dude wearing that around town, a real man’s man. I can just see me sitting down for a brewski at the local pub: “Nice shirt, son. Did your Mommy let you come out tonight?” Pretty soon, I’m getting into a fight over the picture of my sweet mother on a tee shirt. Not a good idea.
And how about the local pickup basketball games? “It’s my turn to pick? Let’s see, all that’s left is the guy on crutches, the ten-year-old girl, and the dude with his Mommy on his tee shirt. Okay, easy choice, I’ll take the ten-year-old.” Who wants to subject himself to that?
So those were my reasons, but I had to have tact. I had to sow the seeds of doubt. Instead of rejecting the suggestion outright, I decided to toss in a few choice questions at various points in the discussion. I would ignore the thread and wait until there was a pause, when they thought they’d settled things, then chime in. I waited for the right moment.
“So tee shirts and coffee mugs?” Innocuous, right?
I let them justify themselves again, had them go through all the reasons, then tossed in another question: “Mom’s picture on them?”
It’s like I don’t understand the actual suggestion, like I’m just learning the English language for the first time, and I need some basic definitions. Once they’d rethought everything and maybe expressed a few doubts of their own, I came in late again and forced everyone to give their opinions one more time: “What does everyone think of that?”
It’s a Jedi mind trick. Yes, I know you’ve all expressed your opinions three or four times each, but through the sheer force of exasperation via repetition you will now change your minds. Just don’t let them pawn it back on you. If anyone asks for your opinion, give them a bland “I’ll go along with what everyone else wants” response, before you toss in the clincher, “Are we all sure about this?”
It’s a beautiful system. I can’t guarantee this will work for you, but I recommend you give it your best shot. In the very worst case, that passionate enthusiasm everyone once had will die down to a lethargic murmur, right where it ought to be.
What should I call this? I’m looking for an alternative word, something besides “uninspire”. That doesn’t quite express my goal. Would you de-spire someone? Or out-spire them? I’m not sure. What do you think?
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