Halloween Postmortem: Have You Ever Fired Your Spouse?

Another year, another Halloween come and gone. The pumpkin we carved Dracula into lies rotting in the garbage can. The hanging skeleton, the boneyard, the tombstones? Boxed and in the garage. My daughter’s octopus costume spreads its foamy tentacles across the floor. All that’s left is the uneaten candy, what little there is. It’s time for the Halloween Postmortem.

The Inquiry

It’s so important to conduct a Halloween Postmortem every year, even when things go according to plan, so you can improve on your gluttony from year to year. You have to keep track of the salient statistics: Snickers consumption ratios, Butterfinger dispersion range, peanut butter cup probability, and the like. I know this kind of technical jargon can baffle the uninitiated, but for an expert like myself it’s second nature.

One item I’ve had to keep my eye on the last few years is the wife’s candy practices: purchase time, quantity, and quality, among other factors. Why? We’ve had a few problems in the past that I was hoping would resolve themselves (check out my last article on Halloween Candy). I didn’t want to have to take action. After all, who wants to fire his own wife?

The Problem

I know some people disagree with me – how they survive in society I’ll never know – so I’ll preface this by declaring that I’m a chocolate lover. I want Snickers and Milky Ways, Three Musketeers and Kit Kats. That’s my preference. If I never saw another Twizzler again, I’d be a happy man. I don’t ever want another Skittles or Starburst to darken my pantry again. Lollipops? Nerds? For the birds.

But chocolate? Ahhhhh, so good.

This year, my wife bought several large discount bags filled with these candy travesties. My first reaction was shock. Could it be that there was such a wide divide in our household? That two people so alike in so many ways should be so far apart on the critical issue of empty calorie consumption? It broke my heart, or pancreas. Either or.

I had no choice. Based on this, I decided to make a few changes in the Glover household moving forward. That’s right, it was time for the old Roberooney to assume the role of chief Halloween Candy Buyer.

Head of Halloween Procurement

My wife means well, but she doesn’t have the passion to get the job done. I can tell by the presence of Jolly Ranchers that her heart isn’t into it, and I can’t have someone going through the motions in the position. It was a tough meeting when I called her in to the corner office this week.

“Have a seat,” I said.

“Uh, okay.” She plopped herself down on the floor.

“Thanks for meeting with me.”

“What are you talking about?” Poor kid. I’d have to ease into it. “Is this going to take long? I have to make dinner.”

“I’ve made a decision.”

Deep concern buried her smile. “What is it?”

“I’m not going to beat around the Baby Ruths,” I said. “I’ve given this a lot of thought.”

“Tell me, tell me.” She was panicking.

I leaned forward. “I’ve decided to assume Halloween candy buying duties.”

“Huh?”

I leaned back. It was time to be gracious. “You can continue with the rest of the groceries. I think you’re really holding up your end on the-“ I air-quoted “essentials.”

Her eyebrows pinched together. “Ohhhhh-kay.”

“I know. You want to know the reasons.” I reached into the candy bowl and fished out a handful of bright, crinkly candies. “Look at this.” I held out my palm.

“It’s candy. So?”

“Where’s the chocolate?”

“Right here.” She pointed at a Three Musketeers squeezing out between my middle and ring fingers.

I shook my head. The gap had widened. Did I have to explain myself? “Those bite-sized candies? Those tiny squares? Do you know how much work I have to put in just for this quarter of a bite? It’s barely worth it. No, things have to change around here. I’m sorry, but this is how it has to be.”

She got up and patted me on the head. “I’m going to make dinner.”

Halloween Postmortem: The Wrap-Up

She took it well. It’s not easy when a family restructure occurs. Some spouses handle the Halloween Postmortem better than others. It’s enough for me to know that our family’s candy future is back in good hands.

What about you? Have you ever had to fire your spouse?