Pesticide Market

For years, I bought only organic produce.  I was willing to go into debt for organic hothouse tomatoes, take out microloans for fair trade strawberries, and hock my electric guitar for framboises biologiques, aka, organic raspberries.  My annual produce budget rivaled the GDP of Liechtenstein.

And yet, despite my massive fructose outlays, I didn’t feel any healthier.  The boost in energy?  I didn’t notice.  An influx of creativity?  Negligible.  The radical transformation I was promised?  Glowing skin?  Uh uh.  Thicker hair?  I wish.  Stronger nails?  Like I care.  Whiter teeth?  Yes, thanks to the miracle of a little thing called toothpaste.  Suppler muscles?  Was that supple or sagging?

In short, I was the same old guy, the same old lovable Roberooney, just with a growing belly and cholesterol level that spikes like Dow Jones.  The only radical transformation I experienced was in my bank account.

A New Set of Flavors

Was it worth it?  One day, I decided to slum it and try the regular produce, the nonorganic variety.  I left my organic gold card at home and wandered the aisles of regular produce.  To my shock, I couldn’t tell the difference.  Weren’t organic fruits and vegetables supposed to be bigger, plumper, juicier, and tastier than the normal variations?  Weren’t they the Aryans of the Angiosperm world?

Picking up a plastic carton, I popped open the top and held one up for inspection.  It looked no different.

I sniffed.  Smelled like a strawberry.

I took a bite.  Wow.  And another.  This was good.  Very good.  But not the same.  I puckered.  A sour tang bit my tongue.  What was I tasting?

I opened the blueberries and performed the same test.  Bitter this time.

“You gonna’ buy that?”

I turned around.  An elderly man in an orange apron stood behind me.  “Yeah, I’m sorry,” I said.  “What is this taste?”

“You like it.”

“It’s growing on me.”

“Flavored pesticides.”

“You’re kidding?”

“Have you tried the kiwis?  They use a cherry biocide.  My favorite.”

“No kidding.”  Flavored pesticides?  Genius!  “Do they have any insecticides, say with vanilla tones and a sprinkle of nutmeg?”

“Try the carrots.  I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.”

A Panoply of Pesticide Flavors

And I wasn’t.  Nor was I disappointed with the minty neonicotinoid on my broccoli, the sweet organophosphate dusting my apples, and the flowery DDT-inspired organochloride with a cherry finish that punched up my kiwis.

By golly, I liked pesticides!  Where had they been all my life?  At that moment, I made the switch.  I ditched the organics for pesticides and I haven’t looked back since.

There was one problem.  With organics growing in popularity and pesticides under attack, these flavorful herbicides were becoming harder and harder to locate.  There had to be a way to bring these tasty, yet mildly toxic, treats to the public.  I had to figure out a way to break this healthy monopoly.

A Truly Free Market

Then it came to me: a Pesticide Market, a place to chomp on a stalk of celery and a nice buttery insecticide, a locale where all Americans can get the fresh, tasty produce they desire grown the good, old-fashioned way.  And the best part?  You get to build up your tolerance to some pretty nasty chemicals.  That’s got to come in handy at some point, right?

Any farmers out there ready to take the plunge?  Come on, let me know.  I’ll throw in with a lemonade stand – topped off with a fruity fungicide.